Good Evening Ladies Gentlemen Boys and girls, My name is AJ & I will be the best man for (look at watch). oh another 10 to 15 minutes then If you should need me after that I shall probably be in the bar.
When Jon asked me to be his best man, a few months ago, I thought, "How am I going to put a different slant on the making the speech". Then I came up with the brilliant Idea of a computer-based multimedia presentation with video, sound and bells and whistles. <open Laptop computer on desk>
But then that was too much work, so I opted for good old-fashioned paper and props!! <take written paper from inside laptop>
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Jon for his kind words <Thanks Jon>, and I have to say they look absolutely gorgeous and have done an excellent job today.
They say that being Best man is like to making love to the Queen Mother . . . .It's a great Honour, but nobody wants to do it. . . . . .
I have known Jon for about over twenty odd years now. And there were some very odd ones in there.
My early recollections of Jon as a youngster involve Computers, Music, and Fireworks.
He wrote computer programs, and even had his own
He played the Classical Guitar and was in a Band.
And he even made his own Fireworks, but unfortunately due to safety restraints and various anti-terrorist laws he couldnt sell these commercially.
All in all not bad for someone in their early teens.
OK this is the bit where I have to slander and basically assassinate Jons character, but unfortunately Jon has led an exemplary and slander free life style. .....or so he would have us believe.
Whilst at Uni. Jon and friends were attempting to hitch into town dressed in full Rocky Horror Picture Show garb. When the attempts to flag drivers and Taxis failed Jon apparently hitched up his coat to reveal a full suspender clad leg, needless to say they didnt have to walk much further. And I understand Jon still gets postcards from the Norwegian trucker that gave him the lift.
Talking of Jons clothing. Well what can I say. Jon has never really made a fashion statement as such more of a "Fashion postscript" !
We were first alerted to Jons peculiar taste in clothes on various camping holidays. On settling down to sleep Jon would appear as if beamed down from somewhere in his "Captain Kirks". These are what his pyjamas were to be known as and to give you an idea of what theyre like I have pieced together from archive footage and eyewitness accounts an Artists Impression of these favourites of Jons.<Produce Prop of Captain Kirks>
Jons Jumpers, not only would Jon wear any jumper given to him, knitted for him or even won in a Tombola he would wear them with pride and wouldnt understand when people compared them too something Val Donican would be proud to be seen in.
I have here an example of one of these jumpers
and Jons expression says it all.<Produce Jumper
Finally on this subject of Jons clothes I simply have to mention
His piece de la resistance, His defining statement in fashion His Raison DÍtre...
His Brown Velvet Jacket. <Produce Large Jacket>
Jons Millennium resolution was to retire a joke of his - which has been around since at least the 1st millennium.
The joke goes something like this:-
A man goes into a pub with a newt on his shoulder
The Landlord says thats a nice Newt what do you call him?;
To which the man replies Tiny
Tiny thats an odd name why do you call him that ?
<Hand Jon toy newt>
I think Ill let Jon do the punch line. Jon
Jon:"Because his my newt"
Jon, I hope your resolution lasts until the next millennium.
Jons sporting achievements range from Skiing, Badminton to Mountain Biking he is also a qualified 'alkey' dancer. <Joke for 'the informed' !>
You also may not know that Jon is also an experienced Water Skier. Back in 1985 we were on holiday in the South of France and had booked a water skiing trip. We all took it in turns to sit in the speedboat whilst the fourth person was towed.
It came for Jons turn myself Clive and Neil were in the boat and Jon was in the water waiting for the off. The boat driver accelerated off with Jon in tow. We got up to about 10mph at which speed the skis rise out of the water, unfortunately Jon is still in a crouched position. So the driver accelerates some more, we are now bouncing nicely over the glistening bay of St Tropez, Jon is still there and still in the crouched position and still with his arse in the sea. At this point the driver does his best London cabbie impersonation by turning around in his seat to talk to us to say " 'ere lads, have you ever seen a twenty mile an hour enema before?"
After this experience naturally Jon was
exhausted, drained even and it just so happens I have dredged up
a photo of Jon soon after the Water Skiing episode.
<Produce Photo of Jon lying on beach.> - Note the Hi fashion beach wear
Jons talents also extend to synchronised swimming however he needs a bit of work on this as you can see.
<Produce photo if Jon falling into Pool>. ;Those Shorts again;
In memory of all these aquatic adventures I would
like to give Jon a small gift.
<Produce framed shorts>
I would normally at this point give Jon grief for drinking water and coke at one point on his stag do a couple of weeks ago in Nottingham, but unfortunately someone would call my bluff and point out that I was also guilty of the same crime so enough said. However I would like to mention the Quad biking and Clay pigeon shooting, mainly because I won the shooting . . . . .
Oh dear it says here <Wait for applause and
standing ovation to die down>.
...And Clive Jackson won the Quad Biking, but has been accused of employing psychological tactics. Special mention goes to John Way for the best crash and commiserations go to Steve Collins for getting stuck in 1st gear for the whole race (even though they were automatics).
OK I have a few Telexes and messages to read out,
try to spot the real ones.
Wishing the lovely couple all the best.
Great Auntie Maude Who unfortunately cant make it because, shes.... WOW Shes ONE HUNDRED and ELEVEN
....Oh no sorry, shes Ill
Hope youve had a lovely wedding, sorry I
cant be there during the day but I wasnt invited.
To Chris and Mandy, all the Best
Marko (In Munich)
Good luck, Ladles and Jelly spoons
Jas (Also in Munich)
Jon, you are an excellent friend and it has truly been an honour being your Bestman. El is a lovely person, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. She deserves a good husband, and I know shes found one in you.
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances. I started planning this speech months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long. But now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Jon and El, Mr and Mrs Bartlett no less. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
JON & EL